Tiger Wood Didn't Almost Win?
Spencer James Fat Kids Revenge
I love listening to sports news while driving. Mainly because I have some insane need to hear what “analysts” are saying and then scream at them through my radio. The latest driving tantrum I threw was because some idiot said that Tiger Woods “wasn’t even close” to winning the Masters this past weekend at Augusta. Let me write that again, “wasn’t even CLOSE?” Really??
No offense, but that’s like saying Tiger hates Hooters. Tiger loves Hooters. Hooters loves Tiger. There’s proof. There’s a Hooters in San Jose, California, and hanging on the wall across from the men’s room is a picture of Mr. Woods with three waitresses around him. True story. Here are the simple facts. Tiger shot -10, which was good enough to be tied for fourth place. The leader finished at -14, after having finished with 4 straight birdies. Guess how many holes he had gone before his last birdie before he went on that terror? Nine. Guy got hot and deserved to win. I’d write his name down but don’t feel like looking it up, mainly because I remember the spelling was more jacked up than his teeth.
Is it just me, or did the camera stay way too long on him after he got his green jacket? And how awkward was that Green Jacket ceremony?? No windowed room, two old creepy guys talking, and then a Japanese kid who speaks no English talks about how he hopes his play helps Japan as they recover from their current nuclear disaster…….AND now here’s your Green Jacket!! Jacked teeth guy had to he wondering the same thing. “Why are these asian people here? Are they doing this because I played with K.J. Choi all day? This is My ceremony, I don’t want this pity party here, send them to Rory McElroy’s locker!!” Rory melted down worse than his namesake did in Tin Cup. The difference? Kevin Costner did it on purpose. I’m not a fan of his, I didn’t want him to win. Kids young, he’s going to have many opportunities in the future. How cool would it have been though if after he realized he wasn’t in contention anymore and on the 15th hole and was lying 1, he would’ve just kept dropping balls trying to get his second shot in the hole and all the while yelling “I can get it across!!” Then a cut to Cheech Marin sitting on his living room couch in a wife beater smoking a dubie and coughs out a “take your drop Roy.” Some one could’ve made this happen.
Anyway, I lost track of what I was saying……Tiger! Yeah, he could’ve won if he posted a 13 under, and that’s what he would have had if he had kicked his putter to the curb and started blowing his short putts in the hole with his breath. In the back nine alone, he three putted to bogey, then missed an Eagle put, and then had a putt for birdie under ten feet that he missed, and then a 15-20 footer even on 18 that he missed. There’s at least three shots in there. And I know that math doesn’t add up because the winner had 14 under, but think about how intimidating that would’ve been if your chasing Tiger freakin Woods in the Masters and he just walked into the clubhouse with a 13? Maybe some of the younger guys on tour wouldn’t have been intimidated, but I bet Angel, K.J., and even Teeth would’ve been sweating a little bit.
Did Tiger win? No. Could he have? Absolutely.
The guy that played the best won…….even if he could carve the trophy with his teeth.
Spencer James Fat Kids Revenge